zarcake-writes:

alexiela73:

….Why…do you hurt me like this? Just the request made my heart ache. I’ll go a step further.

The day that they told Reinhardt you had been sent to the hospital was possibly the worst day of his life. It was equal and more to the pain he’d felt losing his master and friend, Balderich. To the pain of experiencing the war and watching those he tried to protect die. It was something that held like a claw around his heart, and he’d barely been able to breath. 

It was a pain that few could understand, because not everyone loved as deeply or more with their heart than Reinhardt Wilhelm. It was something that he had given to you with the utmost confidence, determined that even if someday he perished in battle, you would surely outlive him.

Except now…now its been a month. The doctors told him you had brain cancer, and that there was a tumor currently residing within your brain. Unfortunately, it’s location is not one that they could reach…they had given the two of you perhaps another week or so, and you’d yet proved them wrong.

A fighter, Reinhardt had thought. You had always been a fighter, and would continue to surprise everyone.

No one can understand how hard its been. Seeing you laying there in bed, with little to no strength to get up. Vomiting daily, sometimes even hallucinating and not realizing who he was…No one can understand what its like to watch, day by day, as the life slowly drains from the person who means the most to him.

How, he often wondered, had they not known before? How had it gone undetected this whole time? The doctors had said that it would have been treatable two years ago, that the tumor was too big. Now though, there was nothing that they could do. 

Today you’d managed to convince Reinhardt to go home. That he needed a real bed to rest in, to take a shower and eat a hot meal. Ever since you were admitted to the hospital, Reinhardt had been there with you the entire time, not really leaving the building. 

His vehicle had found a home across the street, and hadn’t moved in weeks. It had taken convincing to get him to go, because Reinhardt found every moment with you now to be precious- it had to be savored. But he was tired, and you could read it in his eyes like an open book. 

Walking in with heavy foot falls, Reinhardt slowly slid his huge jacket off and hung it on the hook. The home was beautiful and big- It had been a good home to raise your children, and held many memories. It was a home the two of you had built together, and behind each shimmering window pain, every nail in the wall and floor…was a dream.

A dream that you’d both live a long life together, sharing many laughs and tears together. And so far, that dream had been coming true…until this moment. And he wasn’t ready- Reinhardt wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

Slowly he trudged up the stairs. For a few minutes he stood, staring at himself in the mirror. Remembering all the moments he’d catch you singing in the shower, or you walking in and laughing as he tried to keep his hair from getting out of control. He ended up taking a shower so hot that his skin burned, stinging as it turned pink but he didn’t stop until he’d stopped crying.

Crying was something he seemed to often these days- no one thought him weaker for it except himself. Reinhardts tears weren’t going to help you, he knew, but with every moment that the possibility of never hearing your voice, never seeing you again nears…it terrifies him and the tears cannot be controlled. 

Reinhardt went to lay down after the shower. The bedsheets were cool to the touch, and the bed itself was still made. Just as you’d left it the last day the two of you were here. Almost afraid to disturb it, he weighed the option of just sleeping on the covers but he’d just mess it up anyway.

He ended up laying there on his back once in your side of the bed, staring at the ceiling. It made him feel closer to you…and yet, the emptiness of the bed, the house…held a new loneliness that was difficult to stomach. If you passed…Reinhardt wasn’t sure he’d ever be able to stay here again.

Realizing that another few tears had slipped down his cheeks, Reinhardt reached for the tissues…and realized the usual box of tissues was not on the night table beside him. You always had the tissues on your side of the bed…

After a moment, Reinhardt sighed as he tried wiping at his eyes with one hand. Sitting up, he opened the drawer of the nightstand with the other. Inside was indeed the box of tissues…and he noticed, a few letters. 

Reinhardt was not the type of man to snoop. Thus, he almost ignored them as he grabbed the tissue box…until he noticed one of them with the name of the hospital on it, and your name.

It took a moment, his eyes staring at the letter. Slowly though, Reinhardt lifted it up and took out the paper inside. It…was a letter from the hospital to you. It stated it was a matter kept private as per request, and as his eyes scanned the document…he realized it was about the tumor. About the brain cancer.

Which seemed unimportant, until he noticed the date on the letter. The realization as he read it and saw that date…you had known about the brain cancer and the tumor for over a year. The rest of the letters were also from the hospital, giving you updates on your check ups, how it had gone.

Each one described the worsening state of the tumor, and how it would be best if you at least tried a few of the solutions still available. Chemotherapy…. test procedures… there had been options. 

You’d known, he thought numbly, since the beginning…and kept him in the dark.

The rage was swift, as was the sorrow as he stared down at the small paper in his hands, his vision blurring. You’d known, damn it, and Reinhardt felt the walls of his world shatter.

You’d known about the tumor and never told him. You’d kept it a secret, and in turn dealt with the burden alone. Dealt with the sadness and fear that this surely would have brought. And yet you’d never told him because you wanted to spare him. To protect him. To continue living that life full of love and happiness without fear or hesitation.

Reinhardt’s heart pounded wildly in his chest, hurting, and he roared into the empty room. As if his cry of agony and misery might relieve him somehow off all these turbulent emotions that kept dragging him down. The tears were like waterfalls down his cheeks as he lowered his head into his hands.

The sobs shook his body, and he threw the letters to the side. It was a betrayal, and yet he understood. He could not fathom losing you though. This was not something that Reinhardt could handle.

Hadn’t he lost enough? Hadn’t he lost enough people? When would it end? When would the people he loved most stop leaving him? Was it him? Had Reinhardt done something to deserve all this?

“Y/n!” he whispered through the sobs, and it was full of anguish. A year ago, you might have had even the slightest chance- and it was much, much too late.

I’ll be all alone again…. Reinhardts mind whispered. I’ll be alone…

Stop making me sad…. 💔💔💔